Today…

I have been clenching and un-clenching my jaw all day. I am so unspeakably angry. I sit here punching keys to voice my overwhelming anger. I am not often at a loss for words but today I am.

I look at my kids and I love them so much it is physically painful. Even when they are not with me I can feel the weight of their warm little bodies curled up on me.

I worry about them every day. I wonder how I am going to protect them and keep all three of them safe, keep them from becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol, protect them from stress, anxiety, depression and heartbreak. To a certain extent I have made peace with the fact that I can only do my best and that I can’t keep them in a bubble. But on a day like today… I feel so small. I feel so lost, desperate and helpless.

There are things in this world that I cannot predict. There are things I cannot stop. None of us can. But can there be some measure of security? Can I send my children safely to school? Can I send them to the mall to pick out stocking stuffers with their Dad? Can I expect that they will be here to wake up on Christmas morning with joy and excitement in their eyes? Can I anticipate them creeping into my bedroom tonight to tuck their cold feet under my legs?

If only we had the power to follow someone into death and drag him back to face the destruction he has left. Senseless. Cowardice. I am so tired of these men who believe that the only way to be recognized is by killing innocent people… and children! Then they kill themselves. Too cowardly to even face up to what they have done. Too cowardly to face the hurt and the anger. They have their “moment of glory”. To be remembered. At what cost?

It would be easy to sit here at my keyboard and remove myself, to let my head say, “It was not my child”. But it was somebody’s child. Some mother out there tonight will not feel the weight of that warm little body curled up next to her like I will when I go home at the end of the day. For that mother I ache.

3 thoughts on “Today…

  1. I’m listening. Especially to the statement you made about feeling helpless and small when it comes to this achingly sad situation. And especially to, “If only we had the power to follow someone into death and drag him back to face the destruction he has left.” Self expiration is the ultimate cowardice, the typical ending for such wickedness. I think helplessness and desperation are valid feelings when we try so hard to prove to ourselves no one will ever hurt our children, yet somehow despite all our faith and determination our promises get broken.. I ache for those parents, where else do they go now, if not mad from grief? Thanks for your thoughts, may you always be safe.

  2. i feel exactly every word you wrote in this blog today. your words have expressed my every emotion. my heart is aching so much tonight, sleeping is hard to do even after a couple very strong cocktails at my work christmas party. Elijah is sleeping right next to me tonight…

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